Oh, It's THAT Time of the Month!
by Ritoru Kani
Summary: Ron, Harry, and the rest of the guys at Hogwarts think it's no big deal when it comes to THAT time of the month with Hermione and every other girl...but the girls are about to prove them wrong..
1. Hell hath no wrath than a woman PMS'ing

I do not own Harry Potter, if I did, I wouldn't be writing fanfics =P  
  
Please don't mind if the characters are being out of character, this is for pure enjoyment and laughs and also, don't mind comments, I don't really mean them.I think.   
  
Whenever it's that time of the month for me, I always wonder how it is for other people in other places where they don't have what we have here. So, one day, my friends and I were discussing about that time for us, and so my friends (being the Harry Potter freaks they are) said "Hey! What about those girls in Hogwarts, what happens to them when they get their periods?" "Hey yeah! What does Hermione do and what do the guys say about it?"  
  
~*dedicated to Carla and Kayla-Jo, who gave me the idea for this crazy fic*~  
  
The Gryffindor common room was as noisy and crowded as usual, some girls flirting with the boys, and vice versa, some just relaxing in the coolness of spring breeze flowing through the open windows, and some.just studying, like a certain trio, by the corner of room.  
  
"Utinam barbaray sputiam popruim-- Oh I don't know! What's this thing supposed to be for anyway?" Ron groaned as his head met the table surface out of boredom and frustration.  
  
"It's Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant! And it directs anything negative coming your way back at who ever sent to towards you, now get it right! You're starting to get ME frustrated!" Hermione grumbled, looking as if she were to break her wand in half.  
  
Harry raised an eyebrow at her with a look of concern on his face, "Hermione, what's wrong? You don't seem like yourself today."  
  
Hermione sighed slouching over placing a hand on her cheek, "Oh, it's nothing-" CRASH! A huge crash landed in front of them. And it was none other than Neville, he grinned, his toad, Trevor, was caught squarely between his hands.  
  
Neville laughed nervously keeping a good grip on Trevor, "He-hey guys, what's up?"  
  
Fists slammed on the desk as Hermione showed her great annoyance, "Great! I'll have to re-organize this whole thing again!"  
  
Ron blinked at Hermione's sudden outburst. Just then, something clicked in his mind, "Oh.I get it," he said in a barely audible whisper. That's right folks, Hermione's on her period! (And Ron's about to make it worse)  
  
Neville blinked as well and turned towards Ron trying to keep his voice low, "Geez, what's with her?"  
  
A small chuckle came from Ron as he snickered in a semi-whisper, loud enough for Hermione to hear, "Oh, it's just THAT time of the month, PMS-ing you know!" Neville's eyes grew wide. (Argh, why do guys say that when they know we're mad? JUST WHY?!)  
  
Hermione jumped up knocking her chair to the floor as her face became immediately inches away from Ron's, "WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT TIME OF THE MONTH?!" she screamed at the top of her lungs.  
  
The whole Gryffindor common room fell into complete silence as they stared at her.  
  
Hermione's face grew as red as a tomato as she sunk back into her chair, the crowded room slowly coming back to life.  
  
"Oh Ron." Harry chuckled, putting his hand over his mouth stifling a laugh, "That wasn't right, but, ha, it was funny."  
  
"You don't know how hard it is putting up with this every month! I'd put a stop to it if I could, but there's nothing for it! YOU WOULDN'T BE LAUGHING IF YOU WERE A GIRL!" (That's right!!) Hermione pouted crossing her arms as the redness faded from her face. Neville took this cue to leave.  
  
"Oh GEEZ Hermione it can't be as bad as you say it is!" Ron rested back on his chair still with a goofy kind of grin on his face.  
  
"Yeah Hermione, it's just a little blood," Harry said, as plainly as possible. (oh PUH-LEASE! How would you know? *cough*dorkwad*cough*)  
  
Hermione grumbled something as she clenched her fists, "Oh! You! OH!" she ran up to her own room, leaving the two slightly confused boys behind.  
  
PMS. hey girls, don't it suck?  
  
She slammed the door, knowing no one else was around and collapsed on her bed, clutching her stomach. "Ow.Ow." she sighed and mumbled and groaned. Hermione pulled enough strength and set up a small place by her bedside and lit a fire, putting a kettle filled with water over it.  
  
"I hate my period, I hate my period, I hate my period." (Yeah, don't we all) Hermione muttered as she reached for a hot water bottle and a box of chocolates and a note attached to it:  
  
"Dear Hermione,  
I know how horrible cramps can get and hopefully this will help you through and remind you of home.  
With love,  
Mom"  
  
Hermione smiled and nodded her head as she took a bite out of a caramel filled bit of chocolate, "Thanks Mom, I'm glad you sent these." The kettle whistled and she put the note in her drawer in her bed stand. Hermione felt a little better already as she started to fill up the hot water bottle with the thoughts of home on her mind.  
  
She plopped back on her bed, but then sat up straight as she felt books at her backside, "Ow! Geez!" Hermione slid off the books on her bed and lay down on her stomach. A side of a bright green book caught her eye in the midst of her dull colored schoolbooks.  
  
"Hmm.It must be Ron's." She reached over and pulled the book out of the small pile. "Jokes and Pranks for All Ages and REVENGE." Hermione read as an idea and a spark of vengeful hope came to her.  
  
She flipped through the book and finally found it: "THAT Time of the Month Invoker - For boys now! (Girls use only)"  
  
Hermione giggled as she read over the spell. Oh, how revenge is sweet!  
  
How is that? This is my first shot at a Harry Potter fic. I hope you people out there got a few giggles out of that! Please review! I'd like to know how I'm doing! And please give me a few pointers! I'd really appreciate that!  
  
Oh, and the spell that they were studying, translates to "May barbarians invade your personal space!"  
  
(PS, sorry this chapter was a little short, and I'm so sorry if it's so crappy, this was written especially for my friends =P )  
  
(PSS, oh, and please excuse my calling Harry a dorkwad, but, wouldn't you want to call any guy a dorkwad after they say your period is "just a little blood"? .....yeah, thought so) 


	2. What are they doing?

I've actually decided to update! Wow, after what, like years? Ok, so here's the next chapter, I promise next time it won't take me so long to write! Yeah, so this chapter is a random funnyness chapter, I should get the next one out as soon as I can in something weeks. Until then, REVIEW! ...Please? (Sorry it's so short!)

Harry Potter and the other characters are obviously not owned by me, if they were, this story would probably be published worldwide, have as many fans, and have as many movies about it by now...Yeah, I don't own them.

* * *

Hermione grinned as she twirled her wand in her fingers reading the page. PMS sucks, but why do those boys never have to put up with it? Just why? Why?! WHY? Hermione wanted revenge and she wanted it NOW! Out of character, yes, but she didn't care. She was always the girl who was left behind to do all the book work, study this and that, write down the formulas here and there, and all of this many times under her "monthly condition"! All while the boys were goofing off swallowing their chocolate frogs. And this is just the LAST straw! She looked over the page again:

* * *

THAT Time of the Month Invoker! Now for Boys! (Girls use only) 

Revenge is Best Served Cold With a Side of Chocolate Cake.

Why should men go through life scot-free? When women have all the troubles every lunar cycle? So when aches and pains get you down, pick yourself up when hilarity ensues when the boys discover the blissful panic of scrambling for maxi pads. This spell consists of two parts, one for gender transformation (can't have a cycle without a pouch, can you?) and one to get their hormones working faster (for immediate satisfaction). Also, located on page 362 is a way to transform them back (if you ever feel like it, that is).

Part I.

Tara Stillsky's Recipe for Gender Transmutation.

1 lock of hair of preferred victim (make sure it's a BOY! (and has reached puberty))

A small branch of rosemary

A stem of lavender (ONLY the stem!)

Take half of the lock of hair (you might need the other half later to turn him back) and set it on the branch of rosemary. Break the stem into small pieces and sprinkle them over the lock of hair. Tap your wand over the pile once and swish twice. The incantation is "Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum pantorum!"

The effect is immediate (it is powerful!), but the victim will not feel anything.

(Just be sure to be near when they go for the toilet, the results are quite amusing!)

And now that you have changed their gender, the next part is optional, as since their biology has been changed it will eventually take its course, but you can speed it up to within a day or so.

* * *

Part II. 

Aches, Pains, and Pads, Oh My!

This part is simple, you already have all you need in front of you, now you just need a new incantation. (This will not work without the first spell!) Tap your wand once twice, once above the pile and once below and drag the point around the pile in a full clockwise circle. Say this twice afterward: "Dolores capitis non fero, eos do."

And you're done! The effect should take place in a day or so! Watch the hilarity as it ensues!

* * *

Hermione grinned again and copied the spell down in her notebook, she figured she'd go and look for the counter spell later. She sat back and thought for just a little bit. She never was one to whine and moan about these things before, so why start now? Then she remembered what Harry said. 

"It's just a little blood."

Oh yeah, that's why. Yes, Harry and Ron have annoyed her at times, but why so much now? Oh yes, PMS.

Duh.

Let's get started now! Hermione stuffed her hair in a hat, covered most of her face and rushed over to the boys' tower to Harry and Ron's room. The door was closed. She put her ear to the door and listened in just to make sure that no one was there. But how far from the truth she was!

She could hear Ron and Harry talking and Freddy and George in the background too. Harry and Ron were…panting? What the heck are they doing?

Ron huffed. "C-come on Harry…one more time around…it'll be fun!" He sounded…tired?

"M-maybe…I'm…I'm not sure if…I can take it…" …So did Harry?

"Heh…tired out already? I thought you could handle it!"

"H-Hey! I can…go another round…Just let me catch my breath. This is just the roughest we've ever done this."

"Ha! You said you wanted to do it a lot rougher than last time! Where's that quidditch stamina?"

"I got your stamina right here!"

They were groaning! Her eyes nearly popped out of her head at what she heard…She never knew that…they…She shouldn't be listening…but…it was just so…wrongly delicious! But that was just gutter-mindedness creeping in…they might not really be doing that…are they? What naughty thoughts that crossed her mind. She forgot about Fred and George, and they were just egging them on.

"Yeah! Come on Harry, go for it again! Don't be a wuss!"

"Come on! Come on!"

She heard a thud and a louder groan.

"Ow! Ron! You're doing it too hard! My glasses keep falling off…"

"Heh, our wittle Ronny-bottoms has gotten better, hasn't he?"

"Yes, all those nights practicing with us really got him toughened up!"

Hermione clamped a hand over her mouth. No! No…they can't be really doing that! But she could be in denial. No! No! Bad thoughts…bad…thoughts. She ducked into the empty room across the hall.

She sat down and figured that when they get out, she'll get some hair then… Hermione shuddered and shook those thoughts out of her head, but she couldn't…and kind of liked it to stay there. She wasn't sure if she really liked it or not. No! Dirty...dirty thoughts!

Bwahaha.

She looked around and found that she was in George and Fred's room, no doubt. Pieces of failed prank toys and joke candy laid around the room. Hermione sat down on the floor by the bed and flicked away bits of scraps and paper. She saw the corner of a book peek from below the bed ruffles.

Hermione edged it out from under the bed with her fingertip and found it was a magazine.

It was a PlayWizard magazine.

The "Naughty Witches and their Wands!!!" issue.

And the witch on front was looking at her very suggestively while licking her wand.

She blinked and her mouth dropped. How could you sneak in these things?! Well, if no one else couldn't sneak something in, you know Fred and George could. She always thought about the possibility…and well, if they didn't make them now, they would eventually. It made sense. Magic pictures equals magic porn.

Hmm…Do they make PlayWitch magazines too?

URK! Oops, bad thoughts again.

There was a shuffling and she could hear the boys come out of Harry and Ron's room and walking to Fred and George's room! Hermione squashed herself behind the door and they stepped in with their backs turned to her. Ron and Harry were laughing saying how fun that was ("Ugh, I'm all sweaty now") and the twins said they loved to watch… Hermione made a face. She slipped away from the door and across the hall to Harry and Ron's room, shutting the door before she could hear:

"Wow! That was one heck of an arm-wrestling match!"

* * *

How was it? Pointers and stuff are freely welcomed.

Spell Translations:

"Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum pantorum!"

Translation: "A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants!"

"Dolores capitis non fero, eos do."

Translation: "I don't get headaches, I give them."


End file.
